Dr Kevin M Young and the Gay Centurion

In Which I Fisk One of The Best Tweet Threads Ever

Well, I didn’t intend to say anything about this hilarious thread by Kevin M Young, because I talk about him too much already, but all the people I like best are weighing in, and I don’t like to be left out of the fun. So basically, Kevin M Young is trying really hard to make Jesus be affirming. This isn’t a new effort on his part, but it is the boldest, I would say, and perhaps the funniest to date. I’m going to paste all his tweets over here so you can see his argument without having to click back and forth. Punctuation warning: there are A Lot of CAPS. Here we go:

JESUS DIRECTLY AFFIRMED SAME-SEX LOVE. … but many English translations try to hide it. In Matthew 8:5-13, a Roman Centurion pleads for Jesus to come heal a “young servant,” who is sick in his home. But this was A GAY LOVER, not just a “young servant.” The details [emoji of the hand pointing down plus a spool of thread]

I feel I should pause and observe that Matthew 8:5-13 is a text of surpassing and great beauty. It’s one of the five meditations included in Communion preparation in conjunction with Catechesis. It includes an astonishing declaration that is the heart of discovering who Jesus is, what he is like, and how we might begin to relate to him: “Lord, I am not worthy to have you come under my roof, but only say the word, and my servant will be healed.” For the person who realizes, suddenly, how unworthy he is, and yet how much Jesus is willing to heal, that person goes forth into the light transformed by gratitude and joy. That person discovers what a blessed thing it is to meet Jesus.

So anyway, Dr. Young, in the platonic ideal of missing the point, is going to parse this down so that we can all spend the next ten minutes not thinking about Jesus, but ourselves.

ROMAN CENTURIONS could not marry or have children until retirement, but here a Centurion is housing another male in his home! The Bible uses the Greek word “pais” to describe this second male. “Pais” could mean BOY, SON, SLAVE, or SERVANT depending on context. The 4 Options:

Except that, as this person points out (footnote one), and the articles linked in the Community Note (what a blessing it is to be able to add them), they could, and sometimes did marry and have children.

What I like best are all the exclamation points, like we’re a gaggle of third-grade girls who’ve discovered we are all reading the Babysitting Club books at the same time. Ok, so let’s look at his options:

(OPTION 1 — “SON”) In this text, PAIS ≠ “son.” Centurions cannot be married or have children, remember. Also, “pais” is not the Bible’s typical word for biological “son.” “uìós” is the usual word for son, not “pais,” so we can remove this option.

Ok, whatever. And option two?

(Option 2 — SERVANT) PAIS ≠ “servant” in this text. Matthew, the New Testament, and Greek literature rarely use “pais” for servant. Matthew uses “doülos” for servant/slave, even in these verses. The only reason to use “servant” is to avoid the slave topic, or the gay one.

Except that Luke does use doulos. Option three?

(Option 3 — SLAVE) PAIS could mean “slave,” but it doesn’t fit the story. Centurions were not known for being humble (at all), and a Centurion (hated by the Jews) would not humble himself before a Jew just to heal a mere slave of his. … unless it was a very SPECIAL slave!

Oh my word. My head is about to meet my desk in pain and aggravation. The point of the story is that no one is “known for being humble.” That’s literally why it causes even Jesus, Lord of heaven and earth, who knows the measure and summation of the human person, to express astonishment and surprise.

He, Jesus, takes the propitious opportunity to compare the unusual and unexpected humility of the Centurion to the lack of humility of the crowd straggling along behind him, hoping to see some exciting marvel or wonder performed by his hand.

If we don’t confine ourselves to Matthew, but wander over to the gospel of Luke, we discover that this very Centurion has paid for the construction of the local Synagogue, and that the religious rulers of the town are very eager for this person—one who might have lorded his authority over them, making their lives crushingly difficult, but who was, in fact, kind, unusually so—to have his servant healed. They think he is worthy, but he himself does not think he is worthy. It’s a little—if you were the sort of person who cared about that kind of thing—literary and typological reversal. Here is a man of might and honor and prestige not only building a place of worship for his enemies, but even caring about his servant, or indeed his slave. It’s exactly what Jesus is about to do, becoming himself the locus of our worship, the person who heals our diseases. He, who is the Word, has power, even from a far distance, to put all things to rights.

The Centurion, in other words, is setting himself very low before Jesus, is counting others—his own slave—as being more significant than himself. Or, if you are an absolute boob, the story is about gay sex. Let’s see what option four has to offer:

Option 4 — BOY) PAIS must mean “BOY” or a “SPECIAL SLAVE” “Pais” was regularly used in antiquity to describe one-half of a gay couple, sometimes ones that were pederastic in nature. Both “boy” AND “slave” were euphemisms or terms of endearment/derision for: GAY LOVERS

And there we go off the rails. Because, as literally everyone online noticed, a Centurion trying to have sex with a boy, whether slave or not, is something that even gay people should not desire to do. This isn’t moral rocket surgery. Having sex with children is wrong. This is so awful. My gosh, I hope Jesus delays his longed-for return just a little while so that Dr. Young can have some time to repent.

Also, my goodness, the all caps is tellement de trop. Imagine accidentally being even more than usually wicked because you were so excited to find justification in the Bible for your preferred sin. And then shouting it on the X app like you had discovered something precious and not a steaming mass of excrescence. We carry on:

JESUS SAYS HE WILL COME HEAL THE “YOUNG SLAVE” AT THE CENTURION’s HOUSE. The Centurion freaks out! Why? Because he knows Jesus will see that this isn’t just a “boy” or a “slave” but a GAY LOVER. CENTURION: “No, No, No. Don’t go to my house… just speak and he will be healed!”

This is so epic. So, see, the Centurion, who is having sex with a child—which would be bad if he were King David and the servant was Bathsheba bathing on her roof and we were arguing about rape in the Bible but is fine when it’s a man and a boy because this is 2024 and nothing matters anymore—is worried that Jesus will find out he is having gay sex with a child, something apparently the whole town knows but Jesus, who reads people’s thoughts, doesn’t know, and so he suddenly doesn’t want the Lord to come to his house and therefore goes into the whole shpiel about how Jesus can just heal by saying the word. This is why Dr. Kevin M Young’s account is such a good follow. He never ever disappoints me.

We carry on:

JESUS WAS SHOCKED AT THE CENTURION’s FAITH: “I tell you the truth, I haven’t seen faith like this in all Israel!” (v.10) Instead of rebuking the Centurian, Jesus rebuked the crowd!! Jesus says that a !Gentile¡ in a QUESTIONABLE GAY RELATIONSHIP has more faith than all Israel.

No, Jesus says that the Centurion who understands about authority and has come to believe in the true and living God should be a warning to the House of Israel who should have known him and welcomed him as their Messiah. Anyway, we’re just going to have to shout our way through this:

THE CROWD THOUGHT JESUS WAS GOING TO PULL OUT LEVITICUS AND PUT THE CENTURION IN HIS PLACE Instead: Jesus states that this practicing gay Centurion will sit at THE place of honor at the table in the coming Kingdom, next to the greats of the faith, Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob. WOW!

Wow is sure right. This narcexegesis sure is blowing my mind. Two more tweets and then we’re done. Gosh I miss the 120 character limit:

CLOSING NOTE: There is, of course, enough reasonable doubt to warrant alternate understandings of this passage. But taken in totality (word usage, story elements, and cultural considerations), the normative and most logical understanding of this passage is a committed and loving gay relationship. Other understandings that avoid these interpretations have agenda-based reasons for avoiding what the text and story make obvious. Additionally, many commentaries downplay, avoid, even outright ignore these details. You will find they are often written by those who prefer to avoid the implications, even as a possibility. Having read and considered the opposing arguments, I find them unconvincing at best and (occasionally) intentionally dishonest at worst.

Really? The most logical understanding of the story is that this is about a gay man and a child? That’s so funny, because the whole Bible is the Word of God and Jesus himself is the Word and, however hard it may be to grasp this, he doesn’t contradict himself. Being himself the Word, he is not going to say one thing in Leviticus and another thing in Matthew. That’s not how this works. All of the Bible is about him, not Dr. Young. All of it says something about the Lord Christ that we need to humble ourselves to receive. Sexual immorality is wrong not for some strange, unknowable, arcane, arbitrary reason but because creaturely sex says something about who God is. And God isn’t fake and he isn’t gay and he isn’t that bad at logic. One final tweet:

CONCERNING PEDERASTY: While pederasty CAN mean intercourse between an adult male with a young child, the use and meaning of the word “pais” and “pederasty” in antiquity allow for a much broader and understanding. Ancient Greek/Roman Pederasty: A sexual relationship between an older and/or more powerful male (think, 20-30) with a younger male, not necessarily “under age.” (Usually age 12-18) It is not clear from the text that the Centurion was in a pederastic relationship, but the context clues and language most definitely indicate the use of euphemisms common in the Greek language for those in a gay relationship (of any nature).

Oh my gosh, this makes it worse. How come power dynamics can be discussed when its men and women but not men and men? This is so awful. In a just world, Dr. Kevin would be in stocks in the town square, reading his tweets off a placard while everyone stands around and laughs before going to church to confess their sins.

Actually, what would be lots more fun is if our brave Tweeter became a real Christian and then felt the deep horror of his blaspheming God so often. Then he would stand afar off and begin to say, “Lord, I am not worthy even to be called your servant or have you come anywhere near me,” and everyone would smile even more happily because that’s exactly the kind of thing that God does all the time—heal people of disease, sin, lies, and the dumbest conspiracies ever to grace the app made for conspiratorial thinking.

Have a nice day!