It’s FriYay and, I’m so sorry to say, I do not have time to get through seven takes. If I’m lucky, I’ll accomplish a single one. However, the one I have is a real treat. A dear friend has my back and sent me this astonishing jumble of parenting thoughts. It’s an excerpt from a parenting book. Is that a thing now? Where excerpts of books are just put on the internet and we can just read them? Gosh, I should start doing that. In the meantime, though, because I don’t have the time or inclination to pull bits out and give them to you for free, you can buy my book if you want. It’s not about parenting, but it will help you read the Bible in a less-crazy-making-way.
So anyway, so this article is by an expert. Here is her bio:
Shefali Tsabary, who goes by Dr. Shefali, received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. Specializing in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, she brings together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development, teaching courses around the globe. She has written four books, three of which are New York Times bestsellers, including her two most acclaimed books, "The Conscious Parent" and "The Awakened Family."
I guess, because she’s told us how to address her, that’s what we’ll be doing. Dr. Shefali is going to be sharing with us her Important Thoughts (TM). In the various bits I pull from the article, you’re going to be able to see that she does say some true things, but thet what she gleans from those true things is going to be a dumpster fire of the vanities. Let’s dive in, shall we? Here is her thesis:
Here are some vital facts for you to remember: Our children did not make us parents. They had no choice in the matter. We made ourselves parents. It was our choice to become parents.
Ok, so, I don’t know where those links go, but I’m leaving them in because I don’t know how to make them go away. And, yes, she’s right. Your children don’t make you a parent—God does. He is the author of life. If he gives you children, in whatever kind of circumstances, then you are a parent. Where does choice factor in? I mean, that is such a boring question I just want to move on:
So filled are we with this air of largesse that we imagine we should win a prize for selflessness for having had our children. We unconsciously embody a savior complex that says that because we bestowed on our kids the selfless favor of raising them, they should now treat us as if we were indeed, their masters. As their creators, we think it is our job and right to dictate to them and influence their lives. Then, when they don't call us on our birthdays, don't return our texts on time, or make life choices contrary to our agendas, we lose our minds. Here are two fundamental truths you need to absolutely accept right away to enter a greater state of clarity: You didn't "create" your kids. They arrived here through biological cause and effect. And having kids was not an act of selflessness. You had them to fulfill your own self-focused purposes. Your kids owe you nothing. Sure, they can give you respect and love, but they don't owe anything to you.
I really need people to stop saying “we.” You may think you should have won a prize or something, but I don’t think that, and most of the moms I know are also not looking for a prize. Having children, for whatever reason you had them, is an act of “selflessness.” Even if you don’t want to, if you’re taking care of another person, you’re setting yourself to one side. That has traditionally been called “selflessness.” It’s a good thing to do, otherwise, the world never gets a break from your overweening self-sufficiency and pride. Having children is the way that God makes the people that have already been born more bearable for everyone. It is God’s saving act that you get to participate in. You’re not the savior—he is—but by feeding and clothing another person, you’re getting a glimpse of how he cares for you.
So sure, you didn’t “create” your kids, but God brought them into the world through you, and—oh my gosh what a bleak world we live in for this essential truth to be thrown away—this endows them with an obligation to you. Having obligations to people is good. They do owe you, first and foremost because they owe God and he used you to give them life.
Should you then, as a parent, lose your mind when they don’t text you? Um, Yeah. As a mother who was awake still at 11pm waiting for my daughter to text me that she had gotten home safely because she was driving late at night and she’s a pretty garbage driver…YES LADY, SHE SHOULD HAVE TEXTED ME. It doesn’t make me the savior of the world to care about her safety and to want a relationship with her where she doesn’t die. Please, stop being so dumb and wicked.
Catching my breath, we carry on:
As you didn't create your children, you are not their savior, the be-all and end-all of their lives. You might be thinking, "I should be treated like a savior. After all, I am expected to pay for everything when they f— it up. I'm the one who is supposed to clean up their mess and rescue them when they are stranded at a hospital or on a highway." I understand your feelings, but that is not how life works. While it sucks, this is the reality of parenting. No one said it was fair.
Um, I don’t want to be annoying, Dr. Shefali, but a lot of people manage to care for other people without getting a savior complex. Is this something that you’re dealing with in yourself, Dr. Shefali? Because then my recommendation is that you go to church and discover the actual savior of the world. But, also (two things can be true at the same time), caring for other people is derivative of the way that God cares for us, adjacent if you will. And so, Dr. Shefali, it is on that basis that, as you say, that “it” isn’t fair. But, and hear me out here, if people persisted in living in a world of “unchosen obligations” where their children did owe honor as the Bible says, then those people would have to humble themselves and accept the care of their children as they aged and then died. Or nah, just do this dystopian bleak thing that you have going on:
Our savior complex is buried deep beneath our subconscious and isn't readily apparent. It resurfaces only when we observe our children behaving in a manner that's drastically opposed to our own ways. When we watch our children make life choices that feel horrific to us or are in dire polarity to what we think is best for them, we become highly triggered.
Not “our”—your savior complex. But also, one of the chief ends of being a parent is disciplining your children to be the kind of people you can enjoy hanging out with. You have to teach them to use a knife and fork so that you don’t hate eating with them. You have to teach them how to talk kindly to other people so that you don’t hate talking to them. You have to teach them to be still and quiet sometimes so that you can think a whole thought. You have to teach them to lie in a bed and go to sleep so that you can eventually sleep through the night. You have to teach them how to think so that you can have nice conversations with them about interesting things. You can’t just have a baby and then be like—you do you. That is so extremely selfish. Observe how she creates this awful Straw Baby, or maybe Straw Mother. Either you have a savior complex or…actually, I don’t even know what she’s saying. The real option is just to be a decent parent and bring up your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. We carry on:
The reason for this reaction? Our overidentification with the role of parent and savior makes us feel that our kids should succumb to our power and influence. When they don't, we are insulted and resentful. By taking things personally, we mess up our own equilibrium and theirs. If our kids fail at life, we feel as if we have failed in some way, and we suffer tremendously. Or if they have social problems, we feel as if these are our problems to fix somehow.
Um, Dr. Shefali, as a parent, you have power and influence. If you chose not to use that because you’re afraid of some boogyperson “savior complex” you are going to be guilty of neglect and spiritual malpractice. You shouldn’t “take things personally” of course, but that’s not the only other option. What you do is, you use your power—like you’re bigger size, your money, your “influencing,” to protect, care for, and teach your children, to give them nice gifts so that they don’t die of a heroin addiction or whatever.
What kind of mother, when her child has a “social problem” says, “Not My Problem. I’m not your savior.” Maybe, just maybe, you could take your child in your arms, comfort her, pray for her, and then, I dunno, help her with her social problems. Gosh, we are almost at the end, in more ways than one:
Without our conscious awareness, thinking we are our children's saviors places us under tremendous pressure to "fix" them. Moreover, we feel extremely resentful when we discover that they are unfixable. And do you know how your kids feel? They suffer huge amounts of shame for having messed things all up. That's right — this is yet another unliftable burden we unconsciously place on our kids. The truth is that one of the goals of conscious parenting is to become irrelevant for our kids. You heard me right — irrelevant.
I’m a Christian, so I don’t hate people, which means I’m gonna have a whole day of prayer before me as I put this person into the hands of Jesus. There is a Savior for your babies—whether they are grown up and flown or still bashing around your house. There is a Person who can “fix” them, who can heal all their diseases and yours, who can lift the burden of their precious lives off of your shoulders and yet, at the same time, use you to care for and love them. My goodness….
Have a nice day, if you can even get that far.
Oh my word. Does this person even have kids? While there might be the odd person out there who feels this way about their kids, this sounds more like what a selfish, angry, middle aged spinster who has realized they’ve missed their window to have kids THINKS a parent might feel.
I hate this cultural gestalt that having obligations to anyone or anything is by definition bad, and that lack of obligation is the goal. People with no obligations are people without connection, and they tend to be miserable.
Families include obligations going on many directions. And there is some truth to the fact that they aren’t necessarily “automatic”…It isn’t necessarily giving birth that “obligates” the child, but rather raising & loving them. A mom who dropped her child off and grandmas to be raised & has no contact for 20 years isn’t owed the acknowledgement of birthdays or etc (or being looked after in their old age), but the mother who adopts, loves and raises a child they did not give birth to is! And for children who are in a living relationship with their parents, those obligations (while at times maybe a bit annoying) are not some kind of soul & psyche crushing thing.
Ack. These are the kinds of people that folks are going to for counseling & help?!? Yes, get yourself to a good church & surround yourselves with people of faith who are trying their best. You’ll do better than listening to this dubious Dr.
She seems to think that all mothers are the worst kind of "Jewish mother" or "tiger mom" that exists. That leaves me wondering what kind of parents she had...