It is so Friday. Can you believe it? All I can say is that I managed to clean my fridge this week—I Did, because, as Glennon says, We Can Do Hard Things.
Also, I succumbed to temptation and watched that TikTok of the woman explaining that she doesn’t do her husband’s laundry and that does not, I Repeat, does not make her a bad wife. I have so many mixed feelings.
One
In the first place, of course, it is true that, in these latter days, men and women mostly share the soul-crushing domestic work that keeps life humane and functional. Not being a trad wife, for example, I no longer have anything to say about my own kitchen (except when I decide to clean out the fridge because I can’t think of anything to write about). The Kitchen is Matt’s domain. He cleans it every night—including scrubbing down the hood (something I could never manage) and cooks ninety percent of what we eat. Occasionally, as my whimsy takes me, I bake bread or rustle up a salad, and sometimes I lose all sense of propriety and grill salmon and vegetables outside in the rain.
The understanding between us is that I will sit down to blog, to write deathless and scintillating prose for the Christian Research Journal and now WORLD, that I will pick away at the three books I’m not very seriously writing and, in the midst of it all, make sure the kids get through their school work. Also, I bash on at the laundry day and night, and drive everyone hither and yon.
But honestly, everyone in this house has a domain of some kind. One child “has” the bathrooms. Another is “on” kitty litter. Another “does the level.” And so on and so forth. Sometimes we trade around, out of fatigue or boredom, but no one is without some annoying responsibility that makes life easier for the whole. Most of all, though, we share our lives. We listen to each other and provide counsel and advice. We help, wherever possible, to ease the burden.
Two
The TikTokker explains that domestic work, when it becomes an accumulation of many small “kindnesses” amounts to an unreasonable burden. Suddenly one person—the woman—is carrying the whole load, and probably a paying job as well, and when she is exhausted, as she will likely be, and lets go of some domestic responsibility, she is then still shamed for being a bad wife. Doing kind things for each other shouldn’t include “the laundry” or “cooking every meal.” Who can entirely disagree with her?
There are not very many ordinary households where the wife doesn’t have to either homeschool all the children, or go to work, or work part-time, or all of those in varying configurations. It is only the very rich, like Ballerina Farm, who attain a golden domesticity, the perfect gender norms without chapped hands from scrubbing dishes or staying up till 1 am with a child whose paper is due in the morning—no wait, it is morning.
This particular woman claims to have avoided the pitfalls of unfair domestic labor by being “equal” to her husband. They both share the load, and, most crucially, she doesn’t treat him like a child.
Three
And yet, of course, watching her, one feels a sort of shudder go through the whole of one’s mortal frame. For she is waving her hands in the new gestures of the TikTok Virago. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that it feels like one long scold. Sure, her husband is a grown man, and she isn’t prepared to treat him like a child, and yet, that’s exactly what it sounds like. Her “equality” comes with a side of spousal diminution. It is her tone, in discussing the matter, that is so objectionable.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Demotivations With Anne to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.