Four Ways to Make Halloween More Fun

In Which I Complain as Usual

File:Halloween 1912 Card.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

We made it home! It was a long slog—about eleven hours of driving not including necessary stops for gas and gross coffee. Shocked to find the kids still up at midnight “cleaning” the house. Threw everything into confusion by unloading the cold food bag into the fridge and trying to figure out where I put my toothbrush and phone charger. It’s going to take me a while to catch up on sleep and whatever else, but in the meantime, I have some thoughts about the forthcoming celebration of Halloween, which I’m sure you have not failed to notice is just over the horizon. Indeed, the time has been announced by nearly two months’ worth of lashings of demon babies and giant skeletons propped up in the gardens of ordinary, unremarkable suburban homes all over this great land.

Being a tolerant and giving sort of person, I by no means would force my personal aesthetic or religious views on the public, least of all anyone just trying to have a party. At the same time, I feel the gradual degradation of this increasingly pagan rite and think there’s a lot of room for improvement. It would take a little work, but would definitely be worth it in the long run.

One—Become a Christian.

The best way to approach a holiday like Halloween is as a Christian. Halloween, as many of you know, is the day before All Saints Day. Christians, you might also be aware, believe in the unseen spiritual world, in things like the dead rising from the grave, the existence of Satan and all the spiritual forces that rebel against God, the power and scariness of spiritual darkness. The thing is, those things are all bound and controlled by God. They don’t exist all by themselves. The only way they can ever be fun is if God, who is the Light, who has already defeated Satan, has the power to keep your soul and body safe with him forever. If you’re not going to be a Christian you should probably give Halloween a hard pass because you don’t want to end up demon-possessed or something.

Two—Don’t let the market determine the contours of your religious feast.

I get it, you’re so tired. You go millions of miles an hour all week long and then suddenly you’ve got to figure out how to facilitate your kids gathering heaps of candy for some reason one particular day at the end of October. And that is such a pain. And also, it’s supposed to be fun. And every single big box store is here to help you and make your life easier. As you’re muscling through Walmart or Target looking for some way to clean your filthy house, wandering the long aisles looking for unpoisoned produce and easy weeknight supper ideas, suddenly you happen upon an enormous display of excitingly dark demon babies and skeletons. And, you know, the best way not to be afraid of something—like the devil—is to make fun of it. So you buy a lot of that stuff because it’s there, and it’s so fun! Kids just wanna have fun. Also, your neighbor outdid himself last year, and it’s your turn now.

Except that China manufactured it for you, and Walmart designed the packaging, and all you’ve done is make someone who doesn’t care about you very very rich.

Three—Think about what’s really scary.

The most scary thing this time of year, of course, are all the political signs. The piles of them all over the place make my soul shudder and my heart go pitter-patter in the wrong way. There’s nothing I can do about that. The government has determined we have to have our voices heard so that none of us can evade being implicated in democracy. And then, as if to really make the thing clear for what it is, you are invited to add an army of blow-up zombies to make the whole charade more obvious.

It’s the timing, that I’m complaining about. We should vote some other time.

Four—A good time is usually inconvenient.

I swear, I am not judging anyone here, but—and it’s a big one—when you put all your Halloween stuff out on the first of September because that’s when Walmart put it on the shelf and when you remembered to buy it, by the time the feast staggers along, the big scull on your fencepost is not scary anymore. It’s actually kind of boring.

If you really want to scare all the little kiddies with your extravagant Halloween display, you should take the day off work and as dusk is falling, before the princess and Batman stagger up to your door, rush around putting all the props out so that all those babies will really freak out and start crying.

Later, of course, I will get into my usual pedantry about celebrating Advent first and then Christmas, but right now, I am excessively annoyed that demon babies are just there, part of the porch decoration, and not something to be really afraid of.

On that note, moving the observance of Halloween to the weekend because it’s more convenient is, well, why bother? Why not dress up as a saint of some kind for church on Sunday? Why not just buy a big bag of candy and eat it while watching Charlie Brown? When you take away the substance of the feast—to banish and mock evil because of the triumph of Jesus over death—do you really have to go to the bother at all? If you are celebrating something, the day will be an enormous inconvenience. That’s a feature, not a bug.

And now, if you will excuse me, I have to go do something or other. Have a nice day!